


Fine

by ShadowWar1756



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crying, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt Peter Parker, Not Beta Read, Other, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker has PTSD, Post-Endgame, Protective Tony Stark, Swearing, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Lives, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, We Die Like Men, Worried Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 10:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30020472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowWar1756/pseuds/ShadowWar1756
Summary: Peter was fine. Absolutely. Like one hundred percent, definitely fine.Yeah, he just died a painful death, then came back to life on a foreign planet, fought in the worst battle ever, watched Tony nearly die and went back to a life in a world, that has gone on without him for five freaking years.But he's fine, yup, definitely.
Relationships: Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 14
Kudos: 109





	Fine

**Author's Note:**

> So, I tried my first Post-Endgame fic! Also I still have to except Tony's death, so I will let him live here.  
> Warning for panic attacks and bad coping mechanism.
> 
> Sadly, I don't own any of the characters.

Peter is fine. He really is.  
Because there is definitely not one reason for him to be not fine, you know.  
There are all back. Every single one of them who vanished five years ago, had been brought back, thanks to the Avengers and Dr. Bruce Banner, alias the Hulk. And Peter is very lucky. May is fine, Ned is fine, all the people he cared about are there, alive and breathing.

Still, it has been quite the shock.

For him, it felt like only a few seconds after he had disappeared into nothingness, that he felt it again. The atoms of his body being set back together again, piece by piece, the itching, the dust around him, the dirt on his face and the unbearable pain. And just like that....he was back.  
Titan looked exactly the same, destroyed rocks and the remains of the flying Donut-Spaceship scattering around him and the others. They all looked as confused as he was. Peter still could only remember Dr. Strange's name. Did the alien look-alike even have names? What exactly were they?Peter didn't know.  
Then there was the fight. The teen couldn't remember what had led to the point, that without question he had followed Dr. Strange through one of his sparkling portals to stand in front of Thanos, again. 

God, he was so tired. Every bone of his body ached and all he wanted to do was to go home to Aunt May, because, holy cow, what the heck had happened?!  
But he saw the army of aliens, the Avengers and Mr. Stark and he knew that he had to fight, no matter what.  
And he did. He saved Mr. Stark from that weird big dude - who was then crushed by the weird first tiny, then big dude of their own team - and finally got the hug he has waited for for two years! Or....seven years if he wanted to do this right. Weird.

But he was okay. He is okay.

Alright, to be honest, it would be an understatement if he said he had been just slightly worried, when he saw Tony lifting his right hand into the air, the glowing infinity stones burning through the gauntlet, which Tony had put into his Iron Man suit at some point. When had he done this? The power of the stones tore through the skin and the arm of his mentor. Peter wanted to scream – it's possible that at some point he actually did - and Tony snapped.

\--

Peter sits on the roof above his and May's flat and watches the nightlife of Queens come to life. His Spiderman mask is lying next to him, forgotten while he is clenching his arms painfully hard around his body just to feel something, anything. Pain shoots through him, when a wound he got yesterday – it is possible that he got stabbed – opens up again and a few drops of blood leak through the suit. But Peter needs to do is, needs to feel the pain. He has to know he is alive and strong and corporal and fine.  
He is fine. Promise.

\--

To be honest the hours he sat in Wakanda and just waited were incredibly difficult for him. Tony was fighting for his life exactly 16 meters away, he couldn't reach Aunt May and it had been five years. Five whole years that he and the others who were part of the half that disappeared had lost. With a snap of fingers.  
Most of the Avengers were to exhausted to explain what had happened exactly after Thanos had wiped out 50% of all living creatures into non-existent, all he got were a few words from Rhodey who was waiting with him. Waiting for answers. Waiting for a release from this horrible not-knowing what's going to happen.  
Peter ate and drank what was given to him without thinking. He was freaking out. He didn't move from the chair for hours, his breaths had been gone to an abnormal rhythm, too fast and too loud. Tony was dying.  
Tony was dying.

Then May called and Tony made it through the night. Everything was fine.

Peter asked Dr. Strange shortly after his call with his aunt to bring May to Wakanda, to him, but he denied. More important things to do, have no time. Sorry, kid.  
And Peter understood, of course. The world was going crazy, Iron Man had just saved the world and he asked one of the most powerful wizards to walk the earth – Although Strange still doesn't like the term wizard – to get his aunt from Queens to an unknown country in Africa. Stupid.

Then the next few hours passed and he just wanted to go home. He wanted to call Ned and MJ. He needed to know what happened to his classmates and his hometown. But he couldn't, not yet, but he understood.  
Finally after nearly 29 hours Tony woke up. Not for long, but his eyes were open, he could talk a few sentences and the doctors were now very sure he'd make it. A mixture between worry, fear and relief settled into his stomach as he stumbled through the unfamiliar halls of Wakanda until he reached the room Tony stayed in.  
Actually Peter isn't sure what shocked him the most the moment he stepped into the small room. The dark tired eyes of his mentor, the missing right arm or the little girl who sat in his lap and giggled to something Tony had just said. And his tired eyes were still shining brightly with something that could only be described as love. Because of her, the little girl who looked so much like him. Five years.  
It felt like hours, but he is sure in reality it had been only about two minutes in which he could do nothing else but stand there, frozen in place.  
“Morgan”, they said. Pepper held Tony's remaining hand and kissed him. When were they brought to Wakanda?  
It was such an intimate scene between these three people, Peter wanted to leave. Right now. And never look back. 

\--

Peter can't understand himself. Mr. Stark is alive, he is getting better with every passing day, he has a loving family he has always wished for – still there's a feeling in his gut, he cannot describe properly. Pain, Anger, Hurt, Jealousy.  
It's not right he knows. He's being selfish. So he smiles, is happy, because Mr. Stark deserves that. He deserves to have the care-free life he has always dreamed of. It is fine for Peter.  
He watches a car passing by on the street below. His gaze follows it until it reaches the crossing and gets out of sight. And out of mind.

\--

Tony saw him standing in the doorway, before Peter had the chance to back away, to give the family the time and space they needed. A smile crossed his mentors' lips. He said something but Peter can't remember what his words were, his ears were ringing. So he just smiled, went to Mr. Stark, told him to get better very soon and that he will be visiting again the moment he'd be brought to New York. He was the childish cheerful Peter Parker that they all wanted. He was happy for them. He was.

“Lake House”, he got corrected. There they will bring him.

\--

Peter looks down the three story building he has called his home for twelve years. It is old, the color has changed from white to a dirty grey and it's nothing you'll like to live in if you have the choice. The elevator inside hasn't been working for five years, the plaster is falling off and just three weeks ago the rain found its way into their living room. Peter can't help but think that the building actually looks a lot worse than he can remember. Five years.

\--

Peter congratulated to their wedding, to their lovely little daughter and the perfect life they had. He said how grateful he was for Tony to be alive. Then he said: “You know, if you die, I feel like that's on me. I'm absolutely too young to have that on my conscience.” He winked at the end of the sentence and Mr Stark led out a small chuckle. 

Then Peter left. It was a good talk. He was happy.  
He blinked away tears that did not belong here. He was fine.

\--

The wind rushes over the roof and Peter is thankful for the fresh air. He takes in a deep breath and it feels like the first real one in the last half an hour. There's no time for him to pity himself over the five years he lost. A lot of people had to go through this, he's just one of billions. He'll get over this and have the time of his life.  
It's just quarter past ten p.m. and it's time to keep going. He takes his mask into his trembling hands and pulls it over his face.  
“You got something for me, Karen?”  
“There seems to be a robbery three blocks away.”, the friendly voice of his A.I. answers immediately and Peter is grateful for the distraction. People need Spiderman. He is not going to let them down. He ignores the sick feeling in his stomach and webs himself off his building.

\--

When he went out as Spiderman again the first time after he came back, he knew something was different the moment he put on the suit. The town has changed, shops got robbed nearly every night and the armed attacks had increased by about 42 percent since 2018. So every night Peter spent many hours in the streets of Queens to keep the crimes and muggings at bay and the innocent people save. Because that is his job, his reason in life.

Most of the time it's after three o´clock till he crawls back into his room, bruises and cuts over his body, he decides to conceal from May. She went through so much in the last weeks, after they came back, she should not have to worry about him, too. Because Peter is really doing good and in the hospital every nurse is needed more than ever, so she takes double-shifts and still tries to be there for her nephew. She tries to hide it, but Peter can see how exhausted and tired his aunt is, every break she gets is making it easier for her. Therefore Peter won't be the one to break the circle of “It is getting better.”, because he is fine. Definitely.

Peter is coping, he is adjusting to the world which has gone on without him and has changed completely. Going to school merely one and a half week after he came home from Wakanda was kind of challenging at first, he's gotta admit that. There were people in the hallways he had never seen before in his entire life, some classmates who had survived the snap already went to college after they had graduated. Peter hadn't been one of them. The clock outside of the school was broken and two years ago the gym burnt down. No one made the effort and tried to replace it.  
He stepped into the school on the first Monday with a screaming voice in his head that said: Turn around!  
But then he saw Ned and Peter made a joke about Mr. Graysons hair that looked like a smaller version of Donald Trump and everything was fine. He hugged his best friend close and Peter was in a disgustingly selfish way glad that Ned had to vanish, too. He is glad his best friend has died.  
He nearly broke down at the thought.

For once in his life Peter actually is lucky. Both of his closest friends stayed in his class. MJ's first words as she saw them were: “Sup, Losers. Good you're still your age, would have been horrible alone on Decathlon. And imagine if it were just me and Flash. I'd be chasing Thanos through the universe and ask him: Why not me, asshole?!”  
Peter flinched after she had said that, trying to wrap his spinning head around why she could say something like that. He wished he hadn't gone through that kind of pain.  
Then he blinked a few times and saw it. The pain in his friend's eyes, the incredible fear to be left completely alone that has haunted her since the moment she opened her eyes again on a train station in the north of Queens, where she has waited for the train to bring her little sister and herself home safely. A sister who is now two years older than MJ.  
Peter didn't realize how badly MJ was doing until he – or better Spiderman - found her in the park one night, crying and with a half full bottle of Whiskey in her shaking hands. In one motion he took off his mask, put the alcohol on the ground and hugged her.  
She wasn't surprised that he was Spiderman and Peter asks himself since when she has known, but that didn't matter at this time. She was hurting and Peter would make it right. Because he understood.  
They sat together for hours, arms wrapped around each other, just watching the stars and listening to the others' breathing.  
They never talked about it, but after that MJ was doing better again, she got back to her casual and smartass self and Peter thanked the gods out there. This girl with this beautiful hair and gorgeous eyes who sketches people in crisis and is smarter than his entire class, deserves the world. She needs to be happy and to be loved. 

They asked him if was okay. He answered yes. Because it was the right answer. 

Ned wanted to know what had happened on Titan and Peter told him everything he could. For Ned's and his own good, he missed the parts of the painful punches, the anguish he felt inside when Tony got stabbed and the massive agony of turning to dust. Time to let go of that and grow up.

Betty had vanished, too. Also Mr. Harrington and sadly Flash who was the same pain in the ass as he was before, but in some weird way Peter was thankful for that. It was a small piece of normality that had stayed, even after everything had changed. And he clang to normality like it was a piece of a wooden door in the middle of the ocean to save him from drowning.  
He never thought he would start making Titanic references. So deep he had fallen.  
On his second day he asked a new student – no, that was wrong.  
Peter was the new student, this student – Adam – had been there all the time. He had changed with the world. He asked Adam where Mr. Morita, his principle as long as he can remember, was. So he got told that one year after the Blip – like people called it nowadays – he had taken his own life because he had lost his wife and two daughters. Now they were back. And alone.

\--

It is 2 o´clock A.M. When he climbs back into his room and gets out of the suit. It was a long night and Peter craves for the warmth of his bed and his soft mattress. Everything else but the hard and cold rocks of Titan underneath his body.  
He listens into the hallway and holds his breath till the moment he hears his aunt's heart beating in a steady rhythm in her bedroom. She has the morning shift the next day so she'll be already gone when Peter leaves for school. After carefully closing the door he puts on his Pajamas, ready for the few hours of sleep he'll get. Today was a good day so he should be able to sleep at last three hours before another nightmare will tear his peaceful rest apart and he'll spend the last part of the night studying for upcoming tests.  
But it's good as it is, he'll just drink some coffee. He's fine. 

\--

The nightmares has gotten worse in the last two months. Peter got used to a few hours of sleep every night because there was no frickin way he could go back to sleep after one of them, because he's being ripped apart and being thrown to the floor and he can't breathe. And sometimes there's May, turning to ashes and he's left alone again, and his friends are screaming and Mr. Stark is dying. God, he's dying and Peter can't do nothing and then there's Ben. Please, dear god, no, no, not again, please!  
He doesn't know why after everything that happened the vulture incident still hasn't passed his mind because the next moment he's in a freezing lake and bright green eyes come closer and closer....he's stuck. He's alone and he's stuck. Why is no one hearing him, why are they all gone, oh no, god, please, no!

This night it's Tony again. Iron Man's helmet is missing and Peter is able to see the blood that is slowly running down the man's temple. Half of his face is overdrawn with burnt flesh and Peter smells it and he is about to get sick. Then Tony is lifting his arm, like he already did months ago, Peter remembers, but he can't look away when the man Peter has started to care for more than he ever thought could be possible, puts his fingers together and snaps. But Peter doesn't wake up because in the next moment he's leaning over his mentor, sobbing, begging him to hold on, because he can't leave him, too, he couldn't make it without him. Tony is not looking at him, his eyes are lifeless lifted to the sky, gone. And Peter screams.

\--

Peter did what he had promised and visited Tony a few days after the hero had been brought back to his home at the countryside of the state. The moment he walked up to the front door of the beautiful wooden house at the lake, he was sure his heart was beating twice as fast as it biologically should. The planks creaked under his shoes as he made his way through the door into the living quarters of Tony Stark. It was breathtaking. Whoever built this cabin created without a doubt a masterpiece and needed a raise immediately.  
Peter made his way through the house to the voices, he had already heard since he stepped on the yard outside of the house. He could make out Pepper and Happy and then a smaller, much younger voice and Peter knew it was Morgan. Tony and his wife's – Pepper Stark's – daughter.  
Peter couldn't help but ask himself if he would have been invited to the wedding if he, you know, hadn't been turned to dust.  
He rounded the corner and saw the two people talking to each other but they stopped when they saw him.  
“Peter.”, Pepper smiled at him and gave him a small hug. Peter blinked. “Hello, Ms. Pott-” He immediately scolded himself. “I'm so sorry, I mean, Mrs. Stark!” Pepper just smiled even wider and carefully pushed him to a closed door to their right. “Tony's staying in here. Just go in, he should be awake.”  
And that was all Peter got before the door was opened for him.

Tony looked up when Peter stepped into the room, carefully not to make too much noises that could disturb the man, because he had saved the world. He deserved at least a noise-free home, right?  
“Look who decided to visit!”, Tony said as cheerfully as he could and lifted himself up a bit. The room was just as beautiful as the rest of the house. Light green curtains framed the big window that gave a magnificent view over the lake in which the lights of the summer sky got mirrored. On the walls were paintings from artists Peter had never heard of and gave the room the last bit of “Perfect place for recovering from a severe and nearly deadly injury”.  
The teen looked at his mentor and couldn't help but think that he looked awful. Better than last time he saw him, without a doubt, but still, he was way too pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. And his arm was missing. But Mr. Stark was an engineer. Could he keep on doing what he loved with just one arm?  
“Yeah, you have to get used to it.” Peter's eyes shot up to Tony's face. He had just stared at a missing body part and that was so not okay. What were he thinking?  
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”  
But Tony just waved him off with his good hand. “Don't sweat it, kid. It's kind of an eye-taker, you know.”  
Peter just nodded because what else was there to say. Actually a lot of things, if he was being honest. Like “Tony, I was so scared.”, “Thank you for saving the universe.”, “I couldn't bear to lose you.” or “I love you. You know that, right?”.  
But he said neither of it and went with a boring: “So, how are you?”  
Tony lifted an eyebrow and chuckled lightly. “I've been better. But I'm okay, really. Rhodey is an absolute motherhun, did you know that? Wandering around here everyday, asking me if I need something and brings me soup. But not just any soup, but homemade chicken-noodle-soup. It's actually getting kinda annoying.”  
Peter smiled a little. “Isn't that Ms.-Mrs. Stark's job?”  
Tony laughed. “You'd bet. Pepper's on my back the whole time, I must call this person, then I must rest, read something to Morgan and what else. I really can't catch my breath with her.” Tony rolled his eyes but Peter could see the fond love inside of them that the man held for his wife. They were really lucky. They had both been part of the right half of the universe and could finally become a real family. And they got Morgan. Peter blinked. Tony Stark had a child. 

It's not that Peter ever thought of himself as Tony's son, but the man was the closest thing to a father he had after Ben's death. They spent weekends at the compound and in Tony's lab. They built suits or watched movies while eating takeaways. These were the days Peter never wanted to end, because he was just happy.  
But now Tony had a real kid, a daughter who made his face lit up like he won the lottery. Well, obviously he did win. And Peter got...useless.

“Pete? You're okay there?”, Tony asked after the teen had gotten quiet and Peter panicked. He could not do this to Mr. Stark who was watching him now with furrowed brows, worry shining lightly through. Mr. Stark deserved the world if not more and Peter would not break that picture by saying he was jealous of his daughter and felt like he was not needed anymore, Jesus Christ.  
“No, no, I'm fine, Mr. Stark, really!”, he explained fast, “I have just a lot to think about, you know?School started three days ago and there's so much to catch up to, you know?” His face got serious.  
“Did you know that they actually broke the girls bathroom on the second floor one year ago and never repaired it? Like, what the heck? The one from the gym is also not available. Now we've got only one bathroom for all the girls and we have exactly 386 girls in our school. They all have to share one single bathroom. It takes ages until everyone is in class and we can start with the lesson!”  
Tony barked out a laugh and Peter smiled. It was easy. Saying things like this, pretending. Five years ago he was a horrible liar. He could never plan a birthday party for someone because it was impossible for him to not spoil the whole thing days earlier. But then he died. And now he's pretty sure that lying is one of the easiest things he's ever done.

He knows it's not the right thing to do. He should be honest with the people he loves and tell them the truth. Tell them that he is in fact not coping very well to this new world, that he isn't sleeping more than ten hours a week, that he's eating a small sandwich a day and even that makes him feel sick. He should tell them about the fear in his bones every minute of the day and the way his body slowly shuts down. He's getting slower with dodging attacks and two days ago he got stabbed and he didn't tell a single soul. Because he knew he'd gotta do this on his own. He was fine. One hundred percent fine.

Tony asked him about school and Peter told him about how things were going, how good he was doing, how great all of his classmates were and how easy all the topics were. All lies. A part of him wished for Tony to realize Peter didn't tell the truth, but the man only smiled and laughed at his jokes. Then he suddenly got serious and he asked: “But you're okay though, right? With everything that – that happened?”  
He had asked. He had actually asked Peter and the boy opened his mouth to speak, to tell another lie. But then he was hesitating. This was his chance, he could tell Tony. Perhaps it was the right thing to do, perhaps Peter couldn't do it on his own. Tony could help with the nightmares, the wounds he got on patrol and Tony would-  
A noise broke through the maze in Peter's head and he looked over his shoulder to see a girl looking through a crack in the door. Morgan. The teen stared at Tony Stark's kid and the man himself spoke up: “Morguna, you're finally awake?” He smiled warmly at the kid and she hurried over to his bed to sit on her father's lap.  
“This is Peter.” Morgan's eyes looked him over. “You look funny.”, she whispered and the look of curiosity showed Peter one of her similarities to Tony.  
Peter broke out of his stare and plastered a smile on his face. “Hello, Morgan.”, he greeted friendly, because he was the friendly Neighborhood Spiderman and this girl was truly adorable.  
“So what were we talking about, Pete?”, Tony asked him and the worry on his face from before was gone.  
“You asked me if I was fine. And I am, Mr. Stark. I'm doing really good. I'm glad to be back.” Another lie and once again, no one noticed. 

\--

The first time he actually considers calling for help was the day he wanted to have a normal day. But it didn't work out. Why was Peter even surprised? That was absolutely typical for him and his fucking messed up life.  
But all he had wanted was a sandwich from Delmar, cause no matter what the others – especially the people from New Jersey – said, the Sandwiches of Mr. Delmar were the best to ever exist on this planet. So after a long and exhausting day of school with a pop-quiz and annoying words from Flash, he was ready to have something real to eat again. He hadn't have the time to visit Delmar's, so this was the first time in the whole month he'd been back, he'd see the man again.  
Grey clouds darkened the sky above Peter's head as he stood in front of Delmar's. Or what Delmar's had been once. In big red letters the Name “Luigi's” stood where not a few months back Mr. Delmar's shop was announced, well, for Peter it had been a few months. Five years.  
Fifteen minutes later he checked it on his Laptop and it got confirmed black on white: Mr. Delmar had died on a heart attack 18 months ago, on the 5th of January 2022. The shop got closed in the same week and never reopened by one of his employees.  
Peter wasn't sure what happened exactly after he had found out about Mr. Delmar's fate, but not five minutes later he was back on the roof, gasping for air because he couldn't breathe. Logically he knew there had to be oxygen around him, I mean, people were still alive and breathing not twenty meters below, but Peter didn't seem to make his brain understand that.  
Without really knowing what he was doing he was pulling his phone out of his pocket and his finger hovered over Mr. Stark's contact. But Peter was hesitating. Mr. Stark was recovering from a severe, life-threatening injury, even if he already was able to work in his lab and his mechanic arm was adjusting very well, and still...Peter was seventeen. He was no kid anymore. He was fine, right?  
But one single call wouldn't hurt, right? And he couldn't breathe.  
The call went to voicemail.

With a swift movement Peter's hand wiped over his face to make the tears disappear that had fallen out of the boy's eyes. He'll be okay, he just needed a minute.  
He closed his eyes and let the wind touch his face. Queens was never quiet and Peter took advantage of that as he concentrated on the cars on the street below and sirens in the distance. He also could hear the voice of a girl that asked her mother for an ice cream.  
It seemed like ages ago, but once Tony took the teen out for something to eat after school. They went to an very expensive ice cream shop at the other end of the town, that Peter would have never been able to visit, if he wasn't with a billionaire – alias Iron Man himself. They had talked and laughed and it had been one of the best days in Peter's life.  
But everything had changed.  
The voice of the girl sounded again and Peter couldn't help but think of Morgan. The little girl had both of her parents and she was the sweetest girl he had ever met. She deserved the time with her parents, with her dad. Because no matter how much Peter wished it'd be different, Tony Stark was Morgan's father and not his.  
The pain in his chest slowly dissolved and he took a deep breath.  
He was fine.

\--

The first thing he does the moment he knows May left for work is taking a shower. The ice cold water wakes him fully up and for a few moments he can think clearly. He is able to realize that he's not doing good and should perhaps tell someone. But then he turns the water off and he knows that these are his own problems, he has to fix by himself. And actually it's working very well, it absolutely is.  
Since the panic attack on the roof something inside of him has changed. It's like he's going through his day by autopilot, he answers questions he gets asked at school, he laughs at jokes from Ned and swings through Queens as Spiderman at night. On the inside he's not even entirely sure it's actually him who's doing all these things, but still it works pretty good. May is not worried for him anymore and even goes out with her friends at some days and MJ and Ned stopped asking if he's fine.

Tony calls now and then and Peter is trying not to cry when he tells the man happily about the patrols he had in the last days – without mentioning the infected cuts, swallowed bruises and broken ribs – and asks him about his family life. Peter knows he has to ask Tony about Morgan, because if he doesn't hear about how the little girl is having fun, he will make the mistake and tell his mentor more than he should know. Tony talks happily about his daughter and some new inventions he had made, but never brings up the suggestion to do a lab-day together, again. Peter asked one time, but Tony declined saying that the upcoming weekend would be an important meeting to plan the best way for Tony to officially quit the position of Iron Man to retire and on the evening he had promised Morgan a Frozen movie night. He told Peter that he'd love to do that another time.  
He never suggested it and neither did Peter.  
Also the calls between them never last longer than a couple of minutes, because always either “Morgan needs something”, “the Spaghetti are burning” or “Pepper wants me to do something”.  
Then he hangs up and Peter feels more lonely than ever. 

So he just keeps going. 

\--

It feels like slow motion when he takes the sandwich, which May has made for him, and walks out of the door. The Sandwich doesn't even make it a block when it's being tossed in a garbage bin just outside of Peter's house and the boy walks down the street. Every noise hurts and he clenches his hands into fists, his fingernails tearing through his skin and he just wants it all to go away.  
His ribs don't seem to have healed over night, so every step feels like he's being tossed to the ground by Adrian Toomes and being pierced by his deathly wings once again. Taking in a breath is painful and if he didn't have enhanced senses and quicker reflexes, he would have already been run over by a car while crossing the street, he's sure. His vision is swimming. It seems like it's finally catching up with him that he hasn't slept more than 3 hours a night for weeks, he didn't care for his injuries anymore and actually, he would do anything to just pass out right now, to just give in to this overpowering wish to just disappear again. Be nothing again.

\--

If he's being honest, he always knew there would come the day he breaks. He had just hoped that it'd be not that soon and not in his fucking school.  
Peter is able to detect a bad day when he wakes up and this morning it was definitely a bad day. Arriving at his school without being killed by a bus is a miracle in Peter's opinion and he works his way though the hallway to his locker. Ned is already waiting for him, so the teen hurries to change his facial expressions to the excited and cheerful face that he wears around other people all the time nowadays.  
In a way, it kind of scares Peter at how good he has gotten in lying and pretending, so no one sees behind the mask. The mask of Peter Parker, not Spiderman's.  
Ned immediately starts rambling about the new Lego game, that he got from his parents the day before, and Peter would have been out of his mind, because it is the Avengers Tower, that's so damn cool, but he can only listen to his best friend and nod along. When Ned asks him if he can come over today, Peter looks apologetically at him and tells him that he'll go to Mr. Stark's after school.  
Ned doesn't look through the lie and the boy doesn't know if he's glad or hurt. At this point, he thinks, he's only tired. So tired.  
Lifting his lips into a smile, when Ned waves him off and tells him “next time”, hurts.  
The loud chattering of the school halls melt together and Peter can't concentrate anymore, why does everything hurt so much?  
“Let's go to class.”, he presses out through clenched teeth and he needs to get into a room with less people, because he can't breathe. There's no air, he's stuck and he'll die and no one will know and May will be alone and-  
“Hey, Penis!” Flash's voice pierces through his spiraling thoughts. The bully stands a few feet away from him and laughs at his bewildered face. “You look like shit, Penis, you know that? Have you spent the whole night crying, because you can't hold up your lie anymore that you're the intern of Tony Stark? Oh, poor thing.”  
It would be understandable if Peter snapped. He got provoked by Flash again and again and then one time, it's enough. He could run up to him and punch him, scream at him, tell him to fuck off because he knows nothing! He doesn't know what it's like to feel like you're slowly slipping away, like you're drowning and there is no one in the universe to pull you back, to keep you from falling and falling and falling even deeper. Flash doesn't know what it's like to wake up sweating and gasping for air every night because the most terrifying memories of his entire life haunt him every minute of the day, they won't let him go on and he's only 17. He don't understand what it's like to have to lie the whole 24 hours a day to keep the people around you happy and satisfied, so they don't get suspicious. He's being pushed to the ground and he can't get up and he can't breathe.  
But Peter tells Flash nothing of that. He simply looks at him for a moment, before he turns around and walks into the classroom. Therefore he misses the furrowed brows of the bully and the eyes that look slightly – worried.

The lessons pass in a blur for Peter. He thinks, he answers one question right in Math, but he's not positively sure. At lunch he pokes at his salad and MJ is watching him with an really not MJ-like concerned expression. Also Ned asks him if he's okay and Peter answers with a simple “Of course, dude.” that wouldn't even convince a dog to eat a bowl of ham right infront of it. His friends glance at each other and Peter knows he's blown it. All this lying and pretending and now he blows it by being a shitty friend, the thing he wanted to avoid in the first place.  
“I'm sorry, guys, I'm really not feeling good today.”, he explains half-heartly and excuses himself after that. He needs to get out of that room full of people and noise and eyes that tear into him and rip him apart.  
It would have been a place to break, too. In a full cafeteria with hundreds of voices that he just couldn't take anymore, his friends who don't stop bugging him and a boy with a tablet in his hands which he somehow lets go of. The plate bursts into thousands of pieces and the sound tears through Peter's body like it's a bullet. His heart rate speeds up, he blinks and – he's back on Titan. Thanos is over him, pressing Peter to the ground and squeezing and Peter is choking and-  
“Oh go, I'm sorry.” Panicked the young boy grabs the remains of the dishes and Peter can see the embarrassment on the kid's red face as, finally, he struggles to his feet to get the broken plate somewhere else but the cafeteria floor.  
Peter lets out a breath and turns around. He's fine.

He's in class when he finally breaks. It is a normal lesson in English literature with Ms. Lakespeare – yes, that's her real name and yes, she's absolutely obsessed with Shakespeare – and they talk about the last chapter they had to read over the weekend.  
Peter is drifting, his eyes are heavy and he wants to sleep so badly. Never in his entire life he has felt that weak and useless and alone. He is all alone. However, Peter is not dumb, he knows that he is spiraling into a hole he can't just get out off, but he doesn't know what else to do. He's broken. He has fallen and he doesn't know how to get back up.  
A paper ball comes flying out of sudden and it takes Peter off guard. His spider sense is not working anymore and his reflexes are close to non-existent right now, so Peter flinches, hard. In his blurred action, he accidentally pushes down his book, that was lying on the edge of the table. In a swift motion it flies through the room and hits Betty on her hip, who squeaks surprised and clasps to Kenny next to her.  
Peter hears laughing, but his gaze is fixed on the cover of the novella a few meters away on the floor. The old man and the sea. They have been reading this book for two weeks now. A man, alone in the middle of the ocean, trying to survive. And no one is there, no one is there to keep him from drowning. He'll die.  
“Parker!”  
The shout makes him turn around, slowly, his eyes searching his teacher. She looks furious – or not, actually, Peter can't really tell if her glare is annoyed, angry or wall-breaking enraged. “What exactly are you doing?”  
Peter blinks, his heart is beating too fast, right? Or is it beating at all? What is happening?  
“It slipped.”, he said.  
“Well, when you can throw a book through the room, you can also tell us what happened in the last chapter.” Mrs. Lakespeare crosses her arms and looks at Peter expectantly, eyebrows raised. Her fingers are drumming on her forearm and Peter can hear it and it hurts.  
“I-” He can't speak. The world is tilting dangerously. Where exactly is he again?  
“Did you read the book, Mr. Parker?”  
The teen furrows his brows. “I don't know, I-”  
Ms. Lakespeare gets desperate. “Mr. Parker, it's an easy question to answer. Did you read the book or did you not?” Now she starts to look furious. Why does she look furious?  
Peter blinked. “What book?”  
Obviously, it was the wrong thing to say, because the woman looses it. “You are unbelievable, Peter! I'm very disappointed in you.” Peter flinches, but let's be honest, it is no surprise that he's a disappointment. “You've been lazy, Peter, and I really cannot understand why. We all had a hard year, but that is no excuse for getting sloppy with your schoolwork! You know, it's time to get back to a normal course of life!”  
Peter looks at his teacher and there's something about what she said, because the next thing Peter does is snapping: “I'm sorry, Miss, but who gives a shit about school?”, he asks bluntly and looks at Ms. Lakespeare without a hint of regret in his eyes.  
For a moment it's so quiet that you could hear a pin dropping to the ground. “I beg your pardon?!”, his teacher hisses.  
But Peter doesn't care anymore. It's all falling apart between his fingers, it's turning to ashes, he can already feel himself slipping away anyway.  
“No, seriously, Miss, I don't fucking care about that stupid book or this stupid lesson. And I also give a shit about you and your childhood dream to become a famous writer. You see, it didn't work out and now you're teaching the most boring subject in a High School in Queens. You should be really fucking proud of yourself, Miss. You have your normal life, great, right?”  
Peter can hear Ned taking in a sharp breath and even Flash looks at him like he's grown a second head. Ms. Lakespeare's eyes go from wide and hurt to chillingly cold in just 3 seconds. Karen would be proud, because this gaze comes pretty close to Instant Kill Mode.  
“To the principle's office, Mr. Parker. Now.” Her voice drops with venom and Peter knows he's hurt her feelings, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care if he gets suspended or if he's getting hit by a train this afternoon. He doesn't care.  
So he only stands up and leaves without another word. 

The secretary looks at him funnily once in a while, but Peter ignores it. He's been sitting in front of the principle's office for twenty minutes after he has spoken with the new principle  
He's not new, you're new.  
The talk with him was pretty one-sided. The teen got told that the school does not accept and approve such irresponsible and bad behavior and that Peter will be suffering consequences. Peter shrugged his shoulders and watched the man getting even angrier. Then he told Peter to wait in front of the office for a guardian to come and get him. The teen wished they wouldn't call his aunt and worry her, but he also knows that there won't be a way around this.  
Footsteps get closer to the room and Peter scratches one last time on his arms where the blood has already started to dry, before he looks up.  
But to his utter horror it's not May who enters the office, but the one and only Tony Stark. Pete blinks up at the man. The hero has put on his well-known sunglasses and he looks at Peter like he's some stranger on the street. Peter's pretty sure he can see the disappointment in his mentor's eyes. His right arm, mechanically created by Tony himself two weeks ago, is shining in red and golden colors and reminds everyone of the the Iron Man suits. With a nod of his head he demands the teen to follow him and then turns around. With a small glance at the secretary, who is sitting on her desk with her mouth hanging open, Peter staggers after the billionaire, his exhaustion forgotten for a moment to be replaced by the dread in his stomach that makes him want to vomit. This won't end well for him.  
Tony is waiting in front of the school, arms crossed. For a moment both of them are silent.  
Then the engineer breaks it. “So, you wanna tell me why your school called me and told me, that Peter Parker, straight A student and genius, got called to the principle's office, because he insulted a teacher in the middle of a class?” He takes of his glasses and reveals his confused and disappointed, but also worried eyes.  
Peter stays silent.  
“Peter.” His mentor's voice gets harder.  
“Why did they call you?”, is the only thing that comes out of the boy's mouth, because Why Tony Stark?  
“Because they couldn't reach May and I am the other person stated in the school files.”, Tony simply answers. “Well?” He's waiting for Peter to say something.  
But, you know, guess what, Peter was also waiting. For weeks, for months, but nothing happened, no one was there. He was all alone. But he was fine. He is fine, right?  
“I lost my temper.”, he finally says.  
Mr. Stark's eyebrows rise up at Peter's remark. “Your temper? You never loose your temper, kid, what were you think-?”  
“How would you know?”, Peter interrupts the man angrily. He wants to cry, he wants to break down, he is drowning.  
“What?”  
“You heard me.” Peter can't stop the words that are flowing out of his mouth, “You haven't seen me for weeks, you don't know me, Mr. Stark.”  
The man himself looks taken back for a moment. Peter just wants to make the man angry, wants him to scream at him and to hate him, because that's what Peter deserves. Be angry. Hate me, for god's sake!  
But Tony's face just gets more confused and he's taking a step towards the boy. “Pete, what are you talking about. Of course, I do, that's why I'm here, that's why I left my wife and my daughter alone at home, although I promised to bake a cake with them.” His lips turn up to a small smirk at the thought.  
A cake.  
Peter tenses and his breaths come shorter. Alarmed the billionaire takes another step towards the trembling boy. “Kid, what is wrong-”  
“What's wrong? Whats wrong?”, Peter yells and Tony blinks in surprise at the kid's sudden outburst. “Everything is wrong! I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't heal anymore, I'm a mess! The world keeps turning and it's too fucking fast, I just can't-.” He takes in a shuddering breath. “Five years have passed while I was gone! It's too much, I'm drowning, I'm drowning, Tony.”  
The man stares at him, shocked. He opens his mouth as to say something, but Peter speaks before he can say something. Because his cake is waiting.  
“I didn't ask you to come!”, Peter cries, “Go back to them, to your kid! Go and bake that fucking cake and burn the Spaghetti and whatever you want to do! Just leave me alone! I don't want you here!” A small sob. “Why did you even bring me back?!” The teen can feel the tears in his eyes and the world's falling and Peter is falling with it and there has to be something on his chest, because he can't breathe!  
“Peter-”, Tony starts, but Peter doesn't let him finish. He pushes past the man, who stumbles back a few feet, and runs. He doesn't know where he's actually running, but he doesn't care, he has to get away, he wants it all to stop.  
He ignores Tony's desperate shouts behind him and blindly he turns around the next corner. He reaches a small alley and jumps up. Without his suit on, he climbs the wall, because he has to get higher, he needs air. Please, god, no, he's dying, isn't he?

Finally he hoists himself up on the roof and is able to make three steps, before he's falling to his knees, frantically grasping at his throat and his chest. His lungs aren't working, nothing is working. He'll die and this time he'll be all alone, there's no one there. Why can't it all just end?  
Through the ringing of his ears he can hear himself sobbing and gasping for oxygen. The tears are flowing freely and he doesn't have the strength to stop them, the weight of the pain, fear and horror he went through the last weeks catch up with him at full force.  
A familiar sound echoes in his ears, but he can't collate it. Wind rushed over the building and suddenly Peter is not alone on the roof anymore.  
“Shit, shit! Open, Friday, open this fucking thing!” The voice sounds so far away, wherefore Peter isn't sure if he's not imagining it.  
Urgent footsteps fill his ears and he wants to roll into himself, he's begging every single god out there to let him sleep, please.  
“Kid. Oh my god, Peter! You're okay, you're okay, just breathe! Kid, you have to breathe!” Peter knows that voice, knows it better than nearly every other voice on this planet – no, screw that, the universe. But that doesn't make any sense, how did the hero come up here? He quit being Iron Man, he doesn't have his suits anymore. And why does he sound so panicked?  
“Mr.-M-Sta- I can't- I can't brea-” Peter's choking on his words and black dots appear in his vision. He'll die, he knows it.  
“Pete, you gotta listen to me, okay? You gotta breathe, you know how to do that, you do that all the time! I've heard you talking about Star Wras for hours without taking in a single breath, come on. It's easy, see?” His hand gets pulled onto someone's chest and Peter can feel a way too fast heartbeat under his palm. Yet, he can't concentrate, because he's dying. He's been dying for a long time now.  
“Peter-” The voice of his mentor breaks. “Pete, please, look at me, you're okay. You're fine.”  
With the last bit of his strength Peter obeys and looks up into the wide terrified eyes of Mr. Stark.  
“No.” He gets out. “Not fine.” The tears are streaming over his face and logically there shouldn't be any water left in his body, right? “Not fine – fo- for a l-long time.”  
“Pete.” It's just a broken whisper, but the boy still hears it. It's full of regret and pain, exactly the emotions Peter never wanted to see on the man's face.  
“I'm sorry.” One last time, he takes in a small breath before the darkness takes over and Peter falls thankfully into the long desired nothingness.

\--

The day that Ben died was the worst day in Peter's life. It felt like a part of himself, something very important, had left and there was no way to get it back.  
Peter still remembers the day clearly and he doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget it. After the incident Peter sat in an ambulance, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and stared blankly at the ground, where his uncle had bled out in his arms not even one hour ago. Then after what felt like an eternity May appeared. She ran to him and took him into his arms without saying one thing and the moment Peter was held by his aunt, he broke down. He cried and sobbed and May just held him tighter, while her tears were flowing as well.  
That night they sat on the couch in silence, grieving for the man who has been the most amazing husband and father – because for sure, he has been Peter's father since his parents had died – to ever walk the earth, but was taken too soon.  
However, not only the loss of Ben made this day to Peter's worst, but the fact that it has been his fault. His fault. His fault. He couldn't look into a mirror the next days, because he couldn't bear to see his own face. He should had been able to save him, he would had been strong enough and smart enough, but he had failed. He had failed and now Ben was dead.  
On the fifth day after his uncle's death Peter stole two bottles of O'Donnell Moonshine and with a drunken mind nearly got run over by a pickup. As he came home, May screamed at him for twenty minutes, then cried for one hour and in the end they both sat together again and sobbed into each others arms. After that Peter went to therapy for a few months – May insisted, because he had watched his uncle's death and Peter agreed, because he didn't know how to deal with the grief and the fact he had superpowers no one was allowed to know of – and he did get better.

\--

So, when Peter starts to wake up, he is painfully reminded of the day after Ben's death – his lightly swollen eyes, the unbearable pain in his chest and the heavy desire to forget and go back to sleep, so he doesn't have to remember.  
He groans quietly and presses his eyes together. Don't wake up.  
“Kid?”, a broken voice next to him asks. Peter swallows back the bile in his throat and slowly blinks his eyes open.  
Light floods his vision and he flinches at the burning. A look around the room is enough for him to realize that he's lying in the medbay, upstate at the Avengers compound. Peter's gotta admit that he's been here already a few times before, much to May's and Tony's dismay. Friday, having realized the bright light troubled the boy, dims it and Peter sighs in relief.  
And it's said man who's now sitting next to his bed and Peter has to blink a few times to make sure it's really Tony Stark sitting there. Cause the man looks absolutely horrible.  
His face is pale, his eyes wide and bloodshot and there seem to be dried tears on his cheeks. Something must have happened and Peter prays to god that it's nothing bad. What if something has happened to Pepper or Morgan?  
“Peter.”, Tony whispers.  
“Hey.”, Peter answers hoarsely. He clears his throat. “Is-Is everything okay? Did something happen?” Because something horrible must have happened if Tony looks like a corpse, and he definitely wouldn't look like that, because Peter has passed out on a rooftop over a panic attack.  
For a moment nothing happens, no one even dares to take in a breath, an then the impossible happens.  
Tony Stark buries his face in his hands and starts crying. It's not loud and ugly sobs, but the shoulders of the man shook and Peter can hear the troubled breathing.  
Panic sweeps through Peter like a tsunami. “Wha- Mr. Stark, what is it? What happened?”  
Quickly he sits up straight and hisses the same moment as pain drives through him and exhaustion replaces the fear he felt seconds ago.  
“Don't you dare move, Parker.”, says Tony with a hard, but still shaky voice and he wipes over his face with a swift motion, then stands up to push Peter back into the incredible soft pillows. How didn't he notice before how extremely comfortable this bed was? He could sleep for days on it.  
“Nothing happened, except that you are not allowed to move from this bed for at least a week after today.”  
Peter looks down on his hands, which fumble with the white blanket that's lying on top of him. Now he feels stupid for his earlier outburst. He should have just kept going, he was fine the way he was.  
With a sigh Tony falls back into his chair and watches Peter with an observant and thoughtful gaze like he's trying to solve a complicated calculation.  
“How-How long was I out?” Peter eventually asks, because he really can't take the silence anymore.  
“Seven hours.”  
“Seven hours?!”, Peter yells and again he shoots up into a sitting position, only to fall back down as a wave of dizziness washes over him.  
“Jesus Christ, Pete, wanna give me even more heart attacks on one day?” Desperate Tony moves his chair closer to the boy and puts an surprisingly soft hand on his shoulder. “Stay down. You're okay.” He pauses. “Or you will be.”  
“But-But seven hours, Mr. Stark. May has been out of work since 5 o´clock, she must be worried, I have to-”  
“May came here the moment I called her and told her what happened. Pepper took her for a walk and a coffee half an hour ago, but she'll be back soon, kid.”, Tony interrupts him.  
“She left work just because of this?”, Peter questions, because work is important, now someone has to cover for her and on another day she'll have to work more hours to make it up for today.  
Tony takes in a deep, shaking breath and blinks heavily. “Peter-” He clears his throat to get rid of the unsteadiness of his voice. He starts again. “Peter, I want you to listen to me, okay?” The man's eyes are so earnest, that Peter has to nod to the request. “This wasn't just a pass out from a panic attack, alright? When we got here, Cho found out that you were horrifyingly sleep-deprived, you're energy-level was at rock bottom, you had bruises, cracked rips and a stab wound, Peter. That means that you're healing factor wasn't working at all, kid. This is really serious.”  
Peter fumbles with his hands again and swallows the lump in his throat.  
“But I don't need to tell you this, because you already knew it. Right?” Tony tries to find the kid's gaze. “Peter”, he says and at the urgency in his tone, Peter looks up at the man, “You're not okay. You're hurting.”  
They are only two little words, but they are enough to break the last strength Peter has left. Tears are pouring out of his eyes, before he can stop it and are silently running down his face. “I'm sorry, Tony, I am so sorry. I know I should have told you or anyone else, but I couldn't, you know? Be- Because – Because, you know, May - May's had a lot of stress these last weeks and- and Ned and MJ don't need me as a burden, too.” Shakily he inhales but it doesn't help with the tears. He's just so freaking sad. “And I- I told Ben, you know?” A wet chuckle escapes his lips. “I went to his grave and told him, bu- but, yeah, he can't really do anything about it, right?” Slowly Tony shakes his head, more to himself than to Peter, and he looks so sorrowful, so hurt. “And you- you, I couldn't call you, because you have a life now, you have a wife and a daughter, there's no way I could-could have come to you to pity over my-”  
“Stop.”  
Peter hurriedly shuts his mouth after Tony's sharp words. The hero clenches his fist and takes some deep breaths.  
For a few seconds nothing is said and Peter hates it. Why can't he just yell at me and stop looking that sad?  
Then Tony lifts his hand and places them over Peter's. It's such a severe and soft action that the boy's tears come to a sudden halt and he slightly relaxes into the man's touch.  
“Peter.”, the billionaire says and looks at him with so much guilt and pain in his eye, that Peter instantly wants to hug the man, “I want you to know something. Something I should have told you years ago, but I didn't and that's unforgivable. So I say it now: No matter what I am doing or where I am, if I'm in an important meeting, in another state or if it's just a movie night with Pepper and Morgan, you can always, always come to me. I'd leave anything at anytime to make sure you're alright.” He squeezes Peter's hand a little tighter. “I love Morgan nuts. She's one of the best things to ever happen to me, but that doesn't mean that I care in any way less about you, do you understand me? I care so fucking much about you, it hurts.”  
Peter stares at the man in shock.  
“I wanted to give you time after everything that happened and I didn't realize- I- I just didn't think that-” He stops and composes himself. “Pete, this” He gestures around the room and to the bed Peter's lying on, “this is on me. It's on me because I thought that you were fine after everything you've been through. When I saw you breaking down on that roof, kid – You scared the shit out of me. I thought I'd lose you again and I couldn't stop it. You stopped responding, I'd thought you just died in my arms, again, and, Peter, I couldn't bear to lose you. I couldn't. It would kill me.”  
Peter opens his mouth, but no sound comes out.  
“You're my kid and I would do everything for you, capiche? Everything. I want you to know, that you call me, when you're sad and when you're hurt - especially when you're hurt - or when you just want to spend some time with someone, alright? You can come over to the lake house whenever you want and we can build suits and cars and whatever you wanna do. We can watch Disney movies with Morgan and when she's asleep, we watch all of the Star Wars movies, but, please, please, Peter, never do that again, okay? Don't say I'm sorry and then pass out, I-” Tony's voice breaks and he looks close to tears again, but this time they won't escape his eyes, Peter knows that. “Promise me to come to me, okay? No matter at what time or what for. Please, Pete, promise me.”  
Peter stares at the man who means more to him than nearly anyone else in the world, except perhaps May, Ned and MJ. The man he wished he had as a father and who just called him his kid. A small part of Peter wants to be angry, because he ignored him, right? He wasn't there when Peter needed him and he is right to be mad. But Tony Stark, genius and billionaire, risked so much for him, too. Besides he is here now and he will be there in the future like he said and Peter simply knows the man told the truth.  
“I promise.”, he whispers and this time he actually means it. Tony lets out a breath he has been holding and just a few seconds later he puts his arms around the boy and pulls him close.

Peter grasps at the man's shirt like he's a lifeline and once again tears flow over his cheeks, but it's okay. 

Somehow things are going to be fine again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading till the end, I guess.


End file.
